Summer

You get a feeling during the summer months that you never get during the winter months. A feeling of endless possibility. A feeling of hope. A feeling of happiness. I have been getting that feeling that summer is almost over, which makes me so sad. I have worked a lot this summer, which always happens, but I had a good summer. I spent a lot of time with a special person who made me extra happy. I need to hang out with the rest of my friends more because its almost time for me to leave Millersville, even though I don't have a place where I am living. I think I am going to the beach for two weeks in August, which will be amazing. There is even a chance I will get to see the place of my where my favorite show shoots! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Summer makes you want to take a risk, a leap, or a jump that you would not take otherwise. You also get that feeling of missing something. Like you should of done more or kept something in your life for longer. There is a chance that it could not be your fault. Time could of changed things, but it doesn't mean that you don't miss it. The feeling isn't as important as the other ones, but it is still important. I am still excited about my future and what is coming this upcoming year. It still will never come to the summers.

Every Picture Tells a Story

Isn't that the truth? A picture can tell you everything. A moment can explain everything, and by capturing that moment with a picture you get that feeling again that you had at the moment. That feeling could be good or bad, but it is something that mattered in one moment in time. We don't always remember moments, but when you do it is a nice feeling. When you remember a sad moment, you are proud of yourself because you got through it. Of course, at the time it felt like the end of the world. When you remember a good moment, you remember how good it felt and how you are going to fight to make it happen again. I watched One Tree Hill this past week, and they talked about the River Court. They are trying to get rid of the River Court which has so much history to it. Good and bad history, but when looking at a picture of the River Court the memories start coming and there are so many that it is hard to stop. I want each picture that I look at to be a memory that makes me feel good. Good because I pulled myself out of that deep spot or because I was so happy.
PS- I am going to my first Phillies game next week :)

I Shall Believe

There are many people today who are angry, unforgiving, and hateful. I don't want to be one of them. People have different lifestyles and different beliefs. I want to be open and I want to be helpful. I want to make people happy, no matter who they are and what they look like. I am not the girl who has tons of friends, but I have a good amount. I have done everything I can to keep those people in my life. Those people aren't perfect at all, but they are mine. I just wish people would be happy for me that I have them. It is hard becoming older because you have so much to figure out and so much to do. You don't have the time to spend time with everybody that you want because of internships, jobs, and other responsibilities.
I know I have spoken about graduation before, but this should be it. I didn't know how to explain it, but I have decided that it was bittersweet. Its hard leaving the weird little town, that I thought that I would never love. I know my way around Bloomsburg and it has turned into a place which is comfortable. There is only a couple places that I am comfortable at in this world, and Bloomsburg is one of them. I am not sad to leave parts of Bloomsburg though. I will miss the gym and I will miss my work study job. I will miss certain classes, but many I won't. There are certain people and certain things that I am glad I am leaving there.
After the moment I received a case for my degree, I sat there and it was a strange feeling. I had the wind taken out of me because I knew that another chapter of my life was ending. It is scary and exciting. But that is the whole thing about life. One day at a time. One chapter at a time.

Graduation

For now I say goodbye to this chapter in my life. And I look forward to what comes next

What Is And What Should Never Be

:(

I've Got Dreams to Remember

Finally, the weather is nice! It has taken way too long, but it is making me very happy. This nice weather means it is the end of the year, which also means that graduation is coming very quickly. Like less than two weeks. I have so many things to do and so many people to talk to. The weather is kind of relaxing me though. I have finally heard from a graduate school, which means that I am back to school in the fall. Even though school has never come easy to me, I have always liked it. It makes me work hard and I am even more excited because I am going to school for something that I have dreams about at night. When I dream about my perfect future this is it. When I had not heard from any schools and friends of mine had, I got nervous and was about to give up my dreams. I was ok doing something that I was not completely in love with. Now looking back on it, that was real stupid. I will try to never tear down anyone elses dream, and I sure as hell won't tear down my own. I know it will be hard, but I am ready. I will do everything it takes to make me succeed.

But first comes the summer, where I have this internship that is ok. Not fabulous at all, but it will give me the credits I need to graduate so that is all that really matters. I am excited to relax. I want to read a lot. I want to hard core get into running. I want to go to a Phillies game and maybe a concert. I want to get some color :(. I am so colorless right now. I'm trying to go to the beach for two weeks in August, which will be amazing :). Especially since I think One Tree Hill is coming back for a ninth season. I might be able to live out my other dream. First, let me get through the next two weeks. Let me smile, laugh, study, work hard, and finish strong. I hope everyone finishes strong and has some fun.

Nobody Taught Us to Quit

With spring officially being upon us, its officially baseball and softball season. Love love love the Phillies :). Make me real happy. April 1st :). I used to play softball and I used to love it. I decided that it wasn't worth it to play anymore. As I became older, it wasn't about the game as much. It was more about the politics and maybe college would have been different, but I decided to walk away. There have not been many moments where I think back and regret my decision.

I have still taken opportunities to be involved with the sport from umpiring to teaching. I've also played slow pitch every summer with my best friend, who is kicking ass playing up in Rhode Island. She hit her first two over the fence home runs of her college career.

I still go down to Walker Field and do my workout down there to get that feeling back that I had when I was a child. It's not that feeling about how much I love the sport, it's the feeling that everything is perfect. I have my friends and my family. I am happy and everything is going to be ok. But I have realized that I have other things give me that feeling. People, places, and little things. This is what they realized in the episode titled Nobody Taught Us to Quit and maybe that is why it's one of my all time favorites. Even though it was sad seeing the characters walk away from their dreams, you see them do it on their grounds and see that as they have grown up they have found things in their lives that are more important. They leave happy and realize they have a lot more living to do.

So, I am going to say that I walked away on my own terms. I love the sport and it is a big reason that I am the person who I am today. The sport has taught me many things about life that other people or things couldn't teach me. I will always owe the sport and someday hopefully pay back the debt that I owe.

I've Got Dreams to Remember

Being a senior in college is scary. I am old and I guess this is the first real time in my life where I feel like an adult. It could be because every other weekend I come home to work at my internship and at the gym. I also feel like an adult because I am starting to see my family members for who they really are. That is probably scarier than being a senior in college. As a child, you look up to these people and think they are perfect in every way. As an adult, you see them for their selfishness, arrogance, and their ability to not care about anything but the name brand things in the world. Things that they believe make them feel cool and important, but really they are nothing. Examples would be an expensive phone, expensive sunglasses, and an expensive car. I am not saying that these things aren't nice, but do you really need those things? NO! If you start wanting them more than spending time with your family, being happy, or finding love then something is wrong. REALLY WRONG! This sometimes makes me feel crazy, because I feel like everyone is wanting and getting these big expensive things that they don't really need. Then there is me who prays that I will be able to pay back my loans. Instead of thinking I am crazy, I am going to continue to work hard but also dream a little. I actually always wanted a blackberry. I have always had the old phones without the internet that were so stupid. My phone died on me this past Wednesday, and as I am at the store I was actually going to get another stupid phone. I would save the money, and all that other stuff. Then, I stopped myself and just did it. I have been really happy with it too :)

From now on I am going to make a list of things that I want to do someday. I'm sorry if they are boring and stupid, but I like them so that's all that matters.

1. I want to learn how to surf.

2. I want to go to North Carolina and see where One Tree Hill is filmed.

3. I want to run in some kind of race. 5K, Half Marathon, or Marathon. I'd really be happy with anything.

4. I also want to go to California, Boston, and Texas.

5. I want to go see the Cubs play at Wrigley Field, Boston play at Fenway, and San Francisco play at AT&T Park.

6. I want to go to Australia and back to Europe.

See you later :)

I Can't See You But I Know You're There

The weather is finally becoming nice. Finally....

I wore my shorts and my sweatshirt, and was still sweating walking up and down from campus. I have not been in the mood to go back to class, study, or do homework. This can be explained by two reasons. I am a senior at Bloomsburg and its spring semester. Even though I love the crazy little town, I think I am ready to be done. (I will miss it, which is a lot for me to admit) I also just came back from Spring Break and loved not having to do anything but go lifeguard at the gym.

So back to my day, I had to present this article which I did on the wrong topic. I also had to take a test for my Human Resource Management class. I could not study for the two reasons that were previously stated and because I was worked up all week. But, in the end, I think I did ok. Even though I don't deserve to do ok, I believe I did. Many people call this luck, but I have never believed that I was lucky.

I believe it is a couple people who are looking down on me. Some of my family has past away, and I think they are up there keeping an eye on me. Throwing me a break when I deserve it and helping me pick myself back up when I fail. I have a grandmother named Nana, an Aunt that I called Aunt Cathy, and a grandfather that I called Wello. I didn't know the last one as well because he died when I was little, but after hearing stories he always liked me. He saw something special.

Those people make me keep going. Those people, my family, and friends make me keep going and keep believing. I might have bad days, but I will smile again. I will love, laugh, and be happy again because those people make me want to be great. I hope you have those people, and if you don't find something that you love. Find something yourself to make you keep going. Be great! :)

Almost Everything I Wish I'd Said the Last Time I Saw You

I always liked this singer and this song. He was good on One Tree Hill and he is an amazing singer. Highly recommend it. Not many lines stay with me like this one did. I get bored or just forget with the one thousands thoughts running through my mind.

I feel like I have moments like this all the time. I tend to take after my father. I don't really say too much. I am more on the quiet side and I don't let people know how I feeling. I show who I am through my actions, but I have the moments where I wish I said or did something else. I wish I told the person what was truly on my mind. I wish I told them to stay, that I was scared, that I loved them, or anything else.

I didn't though. I let them go and think about it until I do something else stupid or until I get caught up with the many thoughts running through my mind like before.

But why? Whats the point? I know plenty of people who say what is on their minds and do whatever the want and don't feel the consequences. Many people would disagree with that statement though. They would say that even though I don't see my friends and family receive the consequences for speaking their mind in good situations or in bad, they get it.

I think I am going to try this more often though. I am going to say what comes to my mind and forget everything else. We will see how this goes.

We Might As Well Be Strangers

You ever had that one person that changed your world? This person made you feel like a completely new person. He or she made you feel like you could do anything that you wanted. But the best part about this person is that they make it feel like it is all you. They did not have one part of this new found happiness. Some people are lucky enough to keep them forever or have a numerous number of them. Some people aren't so lucky and lose them. I think I have had a couple. I have lost some and kept some. It was hard to let them go and its worse now because we are strangers. I hear some things here and there but I don't know who you are. We have lost each other and thanks to some other things , I have become completely ok with it.

Except, last night when I had a dream. In the dream, we were so happy. All that mattered was the two of us, but at the end I stopped letting myself be so happy and left. I said that this wasn't real and that we aren't the only two things that mattered.I then brought up our past and called myself an idiot for getting caught up with us from the beginning. Our past matters, our present matters, and our future matters. Some things are unforgivable. Some times hurt never goes away.

But maybe I am wrong. Maybe everything can be forgiven for love and happiness. I was kind of upset with myself today because I had a dream about us. It scared me too, because I was so happy. I am not perfect and I am definitely ok with not being perfect. I make mistakes, but I am learning. I will put everything together one day.

Weeks Go By Like Days

I am almost half way done my last semester as an undergraduate student. Real real scary. You want to be the one who gets the job. I am jealous of a friend who has a job all planned out. I know I will be ok, but the idea of not knowing what my future has ahead of me is hard. The people around me are scared that are going through it and the people who aren't don't truly understand it because they are not in the situation.

These four years have gone by really quick. I still remember that first day I moved into Drexel my freshman year. It was on my birthday and after I had to a funeral for a boy that I graduated high school with. He was completely healthy at senior week and was gone by that September. It showed me that your whole life can change in a minute, an hour, or a day.

I have worked hard these four years and also had a lot of fun. I am not coming out with the best grades and the most friends, but I loved my four years. I also know that I have grown and learned as much as I can. I will get the job and have the perfect ending. I am going to enjoy every minute of the ride though.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Isn't that the truth? People want fast cars, large amounts of money, big houses, court side tickets, and so many more things. What does all that mean though? Do those things bring happiness? I don't think so. I think happiness is ....

Actually, I don't know.Happiness is a hard thing to define. Just like love, which is nearly impossible to define. But I think that is the point. These two words aren't supposed to have clean cut definitions. Definitions for these words are created individually by each person. That is a lot of different, but amazing definitions. Each person adds words, deletes words, adds more words, and then deletes them again to their definition; until that one day that they get it perfect.

I laugh and smile a lot, and most days I think I have nailed my own definition of happiness. Then something comes and hits me right across the head to tell me that it isn't perfect yet. I think I am close though. Love, ehhh. I'll figure that definition out someday too.